I know a horoscope is the last thing you'd expect to find here, partly because the idea that our destinies are determined by the positions of balls of rock and gas millions of miles away is about as logical as thinking geese fly south because you drop a hammer on your foot. Unless you're an astronomer.
Astrology is known by the technical term "stupid". Rest assured, though, that this is at least as scientific as what's in the paper every day.
Taurus -- After today the saying will be changed: Stupid is as you do.
Aries -- Wearing shoes on your ears is dumb, but no one can tell you that.
Pisces -- You might as well do whatever you want. You're going to be eaten by bears anyway.
Aquarius — Avoid any Scorpios with Ebola. Or anyone with Ebola, really.
Capricorn — A town will be named for you. Unfortunately, it will be populated solely by zombies.
Sagittarius — You'll believe anything, so you'll take an unexpected trip when a leprechaun gives you candy. From Mars.
Scorpio — You will be stung to death. Oddly enough, by bears.
Libra — No one likes a smartmouth, you ignorant cow.
Virgo — Try wearing a kilt. What do you have to lose at this point?
Leo — If you are what you eat, you will be 14 bowls of Chocolate Lucky Charms.
Cancer — Yep. You've got it. I honestly don't know how you didn't see that coming.
Gemini --Absolutely nothing interesting will happen to you today, but your identical twin will have a great time.
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